Planning ahead and knowing that the day would be especially hard, my parents took me out of town to hopefully free my mind of the hurt that I was going to face. We headed north to PA for a visit my grandparents. This Sunday was like every other… church and lunch at a restaurant. As we entered into the church, every mother that walked through the door was given a blue or pink carnation. I stood silent as I watched my mom pick up hers out of the green bucket and then she passed one to my grandmother. My mom looked at me with sad eyes as if she wanted to hand me one but it was just so confusing—and neither of us were prepared for that moment. I stood in the gap of wanting to be recognized as a mom and also wanting to just be a teen again. How awkward to stand there and not grab a flower. The service continued and I just thought to myself “why in the world am I here?” I wanted to crawl under the pew and go to my “happy place”. But, I couldn’t and I didn’t. After church, we went to my grandmother’s favorite restaurant where again my mom and grandmother was greeted with “Happy Mother’s Day!” I never knew words could hurt so badly!
After lunch I sat silent in the back of our blue minivan trying not to self combust. My parents had no clue what I was dealing with inside and had no idea how to dry up the tears filling my eyes. Really there is no way to fix the situation…. I just had to get through it.
That day I learned how strong I was. I SURVIVED! And with each MD that passed, it got easier… life has gone on and I have learned how to prepare myself.
Ok, so let me give you some words of wisdom…
If this is your first MD, don’t go to church. Yes, I work for a Christian organization and I am recommending that you skip it! Protect yourself. Take a day to sleep in. Don’t watch TV—go to the movies with some friends and stay away from reading Facebook status. Feel free to have a good cry. Feel proud of yourself… you deserve it!
Remind yourself that if you are feeling strong emotions, they are only temporary and you can & will survive the day. Know that as each year passes, the emotions don’t run as harshly and look forward to the day that you again can focus on the mother in your life.
I really do hope that you have a wonderful Mother’s Day.